Question #3 - Friends don't let friends wander

A few of my close friends have been making choices that I really don't see as following God. One has started this new drinking and going to the bars thing. I think it would be different if there was self control involved but it seems like every time he/she comes back completely drunk. Another is choosing to have sex before marriage. I have somewhat talked to them about their choices and seem to walk away with them mad at me for judging them, which isn't what my intentions are. They are Christians and I don't question that they believe in God. I guess my question is what is my place as a friend? How do I confront them and hold them accountable as Christians? And is there a way to do this without walking away feeling judgmental or feeling bad?


My first thought is, you are not the judge. You are not the judge. One more time, you are NOT the judge. Whether you don’t want to be or whether you really want to be, again, you are not the judge. And, regardless of your motive, whether you want to judge or you don’t want to judge, either way your judgment doesn’t mean a whole lot anyway.
But just in case you aren’t convinced, check this out:
Romans 2:1-4
2 Therefore you have no excuse, O man, every one of you who judges. For in passing judgment on another you condemn yourself, because you, the judge, practice the very same things. 2 We know that the judgment of God rightly falls on those who practice such things. 3 Do you suppose, O man—you who judge those who practice such things and yet do them yourself—that you will escape the judgment of God? 4 Or do you presume on the riches of his kindness and forbearance and patience, not knowing that God’s kindness is meant to lead you to repentance?

God is the judge who is also super kind so to lead many to repentance. Let him be the judge. You just be humble you.
But, let us not underscore the issue is that there is a True Judge who does judge justly and will judge and condemn sin, and that should be your whole motivation.
Listen to this verse from James 5:19-20:
19 My brothers, if anyone among you wanders from the truth and someone brings him back, 20 let him know that whoever brings back a sinner from his wandering will save his soul from death and will cover a multitude of sins.

We know that sin is deceitful and sin leads to death. Sin is death. And when we step into the mess of our friends, and we through gentleness and kindness and courage and joy, bring them back, we are saving them from death and sins upon sins (because our one sin doesn’t just stop there, but sin is like compounding interest, in that it multiplies and spreads to all of the areas in our lives.)

Saving our friends from death should be our goal and our heart’s desire. And that needs to be our motivating force and the thing that precedes us and follows us and motivates us and carries us. It is how we begin and it is how we end. We want to save a wandering friend from death. Just as you might stop a car from coming toward a bridge that is out or rescuing a friend out of a burning house, we must understand and believe that sin leads to death and God judges sin.

Here are a couple of examples:
Psalm 7:11
11 God is a righteous judge, and a God who feels indignation every day.

God judges right and he feels anger when people sin.

Hebrews 13:4
4 Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled, for God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterous.

This is one example of how God judges and “ironically” enough, it is the very sin that your friend is doing. So, when you come to them, you are not judging them. God is the judge of them and your are desperately trying to save your friends from the discipline and consequence and death and punishment from God
It is interesting that I ended with the verse about saving your brothers and sisters from death. Because James has a lot to say about this idea of judging which provides a great process to make sure when we deal with these issues, we are going about them correctly, which, I think complements what was said in the discussion forum. See, before we can talk to them, we need to:
James 2:4
4 have you not then made distinctions among yourselves and become judges with evil thoughts?

The first sin comes when we become the judge. Again, we are not the judge, and our evil thoughts are a good indication that we are not righteous either.

James 2:12
12 So speak and so act as those who are to be judged under the law of liberty.

Remember, that it is under grace that we are going to be judged. So, be merciful and kind and empathetic. If the righteous judge is kind and compassionate, how much more should we be.

James 4:11-12
11 Do not speak evil against one another, brothers. The one who speaks against a brother or judges his brother, speaks evil against the law and judges the law. But if you judge the law, you are not a doer of the law but a judge. 12 There is only one lawgiver and judge, he who is able to save and to destroy. But who are you to judge your neighbor?

Often as we deal with situations, our condemnation or judging of those sinning turns to speaking evil of them. It is not o.k. unless you want to be judged.

James 5:9
9 Do not grumble against one another, brothers, so that you may not be judged; behold, the Judge is standing at the door.

The judge is standing at the door of those who grumble against one another. Not their door, the bad people’s door, but our door... Be careful not to let your desire to help lead you to judgment.

So, saying that, recognizing that we too are just as prone to sin and wandering, that we check ourselves first, we don’t gossip, or ask people to “pray” for them, but we cautiously, humbly, gently, patiently, prayerfully, lovingly show them the sin from the word and the consequences that will come if they do not repent and return to their gracious, kind and loving Father. And when they say, “How dare you judge me,” you can humbly, gently, patiently, prayerfully and lovingly say, I am not the judge, but God is the judge of all of us, and we need to obey Him for His sake and ours.

Matthew 18 provides a great plan if they are involved in a church. Show them their sin, and if they refuse to change, then bring a couple more. If they still do not want to change, then bring it before the church.

Overall, what would you want someone to do for you if you were them and they were you. That is love. I still remember a conversation in college where I was namedropping big time, trying to be important because I knew someone important. My buddy dropped the hammer hard, challenging me to not be like that. I retreated like a hurt puppy, but what a difference that has made in my life. And since then, many times in my wandering, I have been rescued by faithful friends. Remember, friends don’t let friends wander. Be a friend, even if it costs you a friendship.