So, here is my first question… Let’s just pretend we are having coffee, chatting about life… I want to make answering the questions a bit informal like we are having a conversation. (consider it especially for this question that we have some ample time to chat: In fact, such a long chat that I need to break it into parts because Facebook said it was too long.)
So, first question, one that I tried to tackle every year when I was your youth pastor, but I think one that is good to continually tackle every year:
The gist of it is: how far is too far sexually? But the question was even a bit more than that, which is what made it interesting… The question came from a person who had a conversation with someone who agreed that sex before marriage is wrong. But this friend didn’t think stuff before sex was necessarily wrong. He compared it to how we use words like “frick, oh my gosh, and oh snap and dang” (words that are not considered swear words, but they are “legal” substitute swear words for swear words). The logic was if those are o.k., than shouldn’t it be o.k. to do stuff before sex, like oral sex and fondling?
So, I want to first address the logic. You can’t compare using fake swear words to sex or really compare anything to sex. I just want to address that first.
In 1 Corinthians 6:18 it says, “Flee from sexual immorality. Every other sin a person commits is outside the body, but the sexually immoral person sins against his own body.”
That word “flee” means to run away as fast as you can, to get the heck out of there, to be like Joseph and get out. And then, the second part, about “every other sin” is stuff like this, stuff like lying and hating and gossip and swearing. I’ll be honest when I (and just about every commentary) don’t quite have a full grasp of what it means that the sexual sins are against your body and everything else outside. But, I know enough to know that there is something very sacred and significant about sex because it affects the body in a way much deeper than the body. It touches the soul, the heart, emotions, and the spiritual nerves that go away beyond the flesh. You can’t be safe enough during sex to avoid consequences that will hurt you deeply over years. Thus, flee, run, don’t touch, get as far away from it as you can. It doesn’t justify other sins or give excuse for them, but it seems to be meaning, just do whatever you can to avoid this one.
So, the answer is no. It doesn’t make it o.k. and I will explain why…
But, before I go on, let me address the whole “not-swearing” thing. I am guilty like everyone else. We think the power is in the word and if we change the word, we are clear but it really is more of heart thing.
The following verse speaks about how our words come from our heart and it has a scary crazy promise/warning at the end.
Mt 12:34-37 - How can you speak good, when you are evil? For out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks. The good person out of his good treasure brings forth good, and the evil person out of his evil treasure brings forth evil. I tell you, on the day of judgment people will give account for every careless word they speak, for by your words you will be justified, and by your words you will be condemned.”
And this verse:
Mk 7:21-23 - For from within, out of the heart of man, come evil thoughts, sexual immorality, theft, murder, adultery, coveting, wickedness, deceit, sensuality, envy, slander, pride, foolishness. All these evil things come from within, and they defile a person.”
When we not-swear, we do it out anger, pride, coveting, foolishness. It isn’t the word that makes it sinful, but the motive and meaning behind the word. I love this verse:
The opposite of every bad word, the answer, the solution to every not-swear word is to be thankful…
Eph 5:4 - Let there be no filthiness nor foolish talk nor crude joking, which are out of place, but instead let there be thanksgiving.
Let thankfulness rule in your life. Be thankful in every circumstance because God causes all things to work together for good for those who love him…
So, I would say to this person that you are going about it all wrong. You are asking how far can I go and not break the command. You are trying to justify what you know is wrong by comparing it to something else that you know is wrong. The logic doesn’t work.
Both are wrong and both can’t be justified…
Now back to the matter at hand…
As most Christian agree, we know the Bible says “Do not have sex”, but how far is to far?
For those of you who have been with me for many years, you probably have this down, but I don’t want to assume anything.
So rest assured, if you are married. Sex is good You can skip the rest unless you have kids or work with youth
But the rest of you, here we go:
But, before I begin, I guess the first question is, do you trust the Word with your life?
Will you trust what the Word says regardless of what the world may say?
Because I believe what the world says, your friends, the movies and tv, magazines and books say are very different than what God has to say…
Check out this verse:
Romans 12:1-2 (NLT)
And so, dear brothers and sisters, I plead with you to give your bodies to God. Let them be a living and holy sacrifice—the kind he will accept. When you think of what he has done for you, is this too much to ask? [2] Don't copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will know what God wants you to do, and you will know how good and pleasing and perfect his will really is.
So looking at this verse, we see that God has done a lot for us, and as a result, we are supposed to offer our bodies to God. He is looking for young men and women who are willing to lay down their lives and sacrifice their lives for what God wants rather then what they want, feels right, or what everyone else is doing. What does God want? He wants young people that are holy before Him. But in order to do that, we can’t copy the pattern of this world. To be holy and to be pleasing to God, our lives need to be transformed by the Word of God, which changes the way we think and eventually, how we act. If the Word is changing the way we think, we will know and do God’s will in our lives… Do you get it? You give your body to the Lord in holiness and offer your mind to the Word of God and it transforms you. The word “transforms” is the same word used of a butterfly, the morphing that happens when a caterpillar is transformed into a butterfly. This is the transformation that Jesus wants to do in you. From these verses, (again, are you ready for this?) we can learn that we can’t take our cues on how to date from the world. It says “do not copy the world”. Don’t be like the world. Don’t act like the world. Don’t take your advice from the world. It is very rare to find someone who wants to do what God wants them to do and not what the world is doing.
So, if you desire to be transformed by the Word, I want to then create a foundation argument just to ensure that you all agree that sex before and outside of a marriage relationship is morally wrong and sinful against God and against your partner.
Romans 13:13 (NIV)
Let us behave decently, as in the daytime, not in orgies and drunkenness, not in sexual immorality and debauchery, not in dissension and jealousy.
1 Cor. 6:13 (NIV)
The body is not meant for sexual immorality, but for the Lord, and the Lord for the body.
1 Cor. 6:18 (NIV)
Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a man commits are outside his body, but he who sins sexually sins against his own body.
1 Cor. 10:8 (NIV)
We should not commit sexual immorality, as some of them did--and in one day twenty-three thousand of them died.
Galatians 5:19 (NIV)
The acts of the sinful nature are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery;
Ephes. 5:3 (NIV)
But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity, or of greed, because these are improper for God's holy people.
Col. 3:5 (NIV)
Put to death, therefore, whatever belongs to your earthly nature: sexual immorality, impurity, lust, evil desires and greed, which is idolatry.
1 Thes. 4:3 (NIV)
It is God's will that you should be sanctified: that you should avoid sexual immorality;
That is pretty clear…
And just to define what is immorality, meaning what kind of sex is immoral or wrong, here is Hebrews to clear up any misconceptions:
Hebrews 13:4 (NIV)
Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral.
So any sex outside of marriage is immoral and will be judged by God. Every kind of sex outside of a married couple is wrong and immoral. Sex that is immoral, that causes judgment is anything outside of the marriage relationship.
So, o.k., that is black and white. But there is a whole lot of room that is gray…
How far is too far? What is the point of dating? Is dating o.k.? What about kissing? When is good to date? How do you know if he or she is the right one? What is God’s best in all this? How do I forgive myself when I have gone too far?
How far is too far? What is the point of dating? Is dating o.k.? What about kissing? When is good to date? How do you know if he or she is the right one? What is God’s best in all this? How do I forgive myself when I have gone too far?
These are the questions and I am sure there are a whole lot more than what was asked.
But, the absolute smokin’ verse on this subject of sex for an unmarried person is:
1 Thessalonians 4:1-6:
For this is the will of God, your sanctification: that you abstain from sexual immorality; that each one of you know how to control his own body in holiness and honor, not in the passion of lust like the Gentiles who do not know God; that no one transgress and wrong his brother in this matter, because the Lord is an avenger in all these things, as we told you beforehand and solemnly warned you.
And this is where I want to camp on for the rest of this novel!
We are going to break down 1 Th 4:3-8 and use it to answer the questions:
We understand that the will of God is abstaining from sex outside of marriage. That is clear. But what does it mean to control your own body in holiness and honor?
How far is too far?
What about kissing?
What do I do about the urges?
What is o.k.?
So, let’s try to define this clearly by looking at a sexual progression continuum.
When a boy meets a girl… There is a progression.
It starts with holding hands, then hugging, then a short kiss, long kiss, French kiss, petting and sexual intercourse… There are a lot of other things that can go in there, but for the most point, that includes a lot of all of it.
So, my question, how far can you move down that continuum and still control your body? Is it easier or harder to control yourself the further you get? Harder? Why emotions and feelings are powerful!
Sex is like a skiing. You get on the lift, you go up the mountain, and there is this excitement because though the scenery is beautiful, the fun is going down the hill… You start off slow but as the hill gets steeper it becomes more fun and exciting. So, what do you do now half way down the hill? Do you stop, you take off your skis and hike back up the hill? No. Actually, you don’t do that because the faster you go, the faster you want to go. The whole purpose of skiing is to get down the hill. Now, is “skiing” the part at the end when you get to the bottom? No, skiing is going up the mountain, skiing is starting down the mountain and skiing is finishing at the bottom of the mountain. It is all skiing.
And sex is all sex. It is built on momentum, it was designed for pleasure and it involves a power that makes it as undesirable to stop as stopping halfway down a mountain and climbing back up.
So, when are you most in control? Well, probably at the bottom of the mountain. How far is too far? How about not starting? I could say, “Don’t kiss.” But, let me throw this out…
How far is too far for your future wife or husband? If you could define how far is too far for your future wife or husband, where do you draw the line for him or her? Honestly, where do you draw the line for them? Consider your future spouse was dating your friend. And you knew by angel from Heaven that you were going to marry that spouse. How far would you want your friend to go with you future wife? Kissing? Holding hands? Petting?
Everytime I have ever asked this question, even to non-Christians, it is always kissing or most often below. Why? Because there is something sacred about marriage and sex. It’s built into us.
My question for you: Will you do the same for your future spouse?
The question isn’t how far is too far, but how much can I save? How much can I love my wife or husband today? (And for those who have gone too far, forgiveness is beautiful. You can show love today until you are married regardless of what you have done in the past. Don’t let the lie of “I have already had sex” or I’ve already gone too far” determine your future.)
Now the next part of the verse says this:
not in the passion of lust like the Gentiles who do not know God; that no one transgress and wrong his brother in this matter, because the Lord is an avenger in all these things, as we told you beforehand and solemnly warned you.
What does it mean to transgress – Has the same idea of trespass…
The American Version translates it to “go beyond” once. 1 to step over, beyond. 2A. to overstep the proper limits. 2C trespass, do wrong, sin. 2D of one who defrauds another in business. 2E overreaches. “to step forward.”, “to overstep,” “to transgress,” “to offend,” strictly “to pass by someone without noticing.”
I think you get the idea here… It means to go on property that is not yours.
It is not difficult to understand the importance of protecting your property here in Zambia. We have brick walls, electric fences and gates put up to protect our property. And what property am I trying to protect?
Well, my property is me, my wife, and my girls, my stuff, and my house…
If you try to come onto my property, you are going to have deal with these 24” inch pythons, baby…
So, let’s think about this for a moment…
There are three transgressions I want to talk about:
The first is your girl or guy…
What property is yours? Well, the only property that is yours is you, right now…
But, when you are married, and you are one, than she is your property and you are hers/his..
And then when you have kids, more of the same…
Does that make sense?
That is your property…
So, then what does it mean sexually to transgress someone else…
When I am dating someone and I go on their property, where does the boundary line on the continuum start? I am transgressing, step over the boundaries…
When do we hit boundary marker? What part of the before sex is the part when we transgress someone else’s property?
Holding hands?
Meeting?
Kissing?
Where?
See we think we are making love with the girl or guy we love, but instead we are just incurring God’s wrath. He is the avenger, and you will always lose.
You think you are expressing love, but instead you are just giving them fire. I love you so much I want you to get punished by God.
So when we transgress someone’s boundaries, we incur God’s wrath and we live happily ever after…
But what is that line where we avoid the wrath of God? Hmm…
Second thought of transgression:
Let me ask you this. Would you hold hands with my wife?
Flirt with her?
No, it wouldn’t because this is my property.
And if you did I would do a round house kick to your throat and then feed you to the lions here in Zambia and laugh doing it.
It would be out of bounds and it incurs God’s wrath and mine.
O.K., so then what makes flirting and kissing someone else’s future husband and wife, o.k.?
Because they are someone’s husband and wife…
Until they have a ring on their finger and you hear the words from the pastor, “You may make out with your wife”, they are someone else’s husband and wife…
So in a sense you should treat every guy and girl as a married person…
And how you would treat my wife or someone else married, the boundaries you give them, you should give to all…
Because when you transgress someone’s boundary, you are not only transgressing them, but also the future husband and wife… You are sneaking on to their property and stealing what is going to be theirs. They are the rightful owner…
Like sneaking on to my parent’s house and stealing their HDTV or jewelry or paintings or family heirlooms… They might not be mine right now, but they will be mine. And there are more mine than yours.
Turn the table and #3… What would it be like to have someone steal what is yours from your future husband or wife? Please, treat others that same way.
So, how far is too far? I want you to define and if you are honest, you have defined it when you talked about how far you want your wife or husband to go.
Scratch that, how much can I save my future wife or husband?
Or the better question is how far can I flee until God brings in the right person for me. How far can I stay away from anything sexual, including pornography, movies, magazines, dating and much, much more?
Having been married for 11 years, having counseled and spoken tons about this subject, I have never met anyone who said, “I wish I would have had more sex before marriage?”
You’ll have to take my word for it. And THE WORD.
AND if you have transgressed, if you have gone too far, repent, seek Jesus and live from today.
If you are transgressing, stop, repent, and follow Jesus.
So the question, as taken from a post:
“I've never understood how you can spend an entire dating relationship trying so hard to avoid sex - basically conditioning yourself to think of it as a bad thing - and then suddenly get married and have sex entirely free of all this guilt you've laid on it and not have to worry about it ever again?”
The question is honest and pertinent. I appreciate it greatly.
But, I think that in some ways you are arguing from flawed logic.
The flaw is dating. Dating is stupid. Dating isn’t biblical. Dating is just cultural transgressing. Most of the rest of the world, including Africa, doesn’t even allow kissing before they are married.
Think about that for a moment, that when the pastor says, “You may kiss your bride”, that you actually do it for the first time.”
And I know you think I am going into another rant, but hear me out.
We are trying to figure out how to make this conditioned leap from dating and no sex to marriage and lots of sex when there shouldn’t be a leap per se.
Consider these verses:
Song 2:7 (NIV)
Daughters of Jerusalem, I charge you
by the gazelles and by the does of the field:
Do not arouse or awaken love
until it so desires.
Song 3:5 (NIV)
Daughters of Jerusalem, I charge you
by the gazelles and by the does of the field:
Do not arouse or awaken love
until it so desires.
Song 8:4 (NIV)
Daughters of Jerusalem, I charge you:
Do not arouse or awaken love
until it so desires.
They are the same verse, three times, in case you didn’t notice. The emphasis is meant to be a type of warning…
Dating awakens love before its time by allowing everything that is marriage to be cultivated without one of its most important parts, sex. We play “marriage” without the ring. It is like driving a car without a license. It creates this go/no mentality that frustrates, guilts and burdens
Does that make sense?
So, how do we avoid the frustration? Avoid dating.
What then? What is the solution? Courtship? Arranged Marriages? A different form of dating?
Well, let’s look at the goal of what we are shooting for…
We are looking for a way to meet and get to know the man or the woman that we will spend the rest of our life with. It is not good to be alone. So, how do we move from singleness to marriage is a way that honors God, honors your future mate and honors your own body.
What makes a good marriage relationship? Love. Sacrifice. Selflessness. Caring. That is love . A marriage can’t survive on sex alone. So when you date, you are pretending that you are married. When you awaken this love, you prevent a true love relationship from developing. I think this is the problem for most Christian couples. They finally get married because they “burn” but just like everything else in life, they realize, “Wow, really, this is it. This is all it is.” And now they have a HUGE hole to deal with. They spent the bulk of their relationships either struggling, fighting, and focused on what not to do, instead of what they should be doing.
It takes unconditional love to make love. Both for the wife and the husband.
There is a time for sex, but it isn’t now.
See, sex is awesome, but honestly, it is the cherry on the top of the ice cream. It complements, it makes it better and binds and brings together… But it is just the cherry. It is the barometer of the relationship as well, it shows you where the relationship is. It is like the thermometer showing how you are doing at others parts of your relationship.
And, so the before-marriage time should be a time that cultivates what a marriage really/mostly is…
So, how can you best love her now? What is o.k.?
By knowing her love languages and loving her non-sexually by caring for her, by studying her, but learning about her.
See, the Bible gives us three definitions of love – agape, phileo, and eros.
Agape means the unconditional, selfless, and unmerited love
Phileo mean friendship church
Eros means a sexual love.
These are three different types of definitions that make up a marriage.
If you were to divide up the % ‘s of love phileo, agape and eros in terms of time in a week of marriage, I want you to know that eros in marriage relationship is a small piece of the percentage chart but it is a very important part for many reasons.
But in dating relationships, it seems that we skew the %’s so that eros dominates the relationship. Could your relationship survive on phileo and agape?
Can your love relationship survive the other two with your buddies? Of course it can. I know you have good friends, and I know you love them and care for them and appreciate them. I know it is a bit different, but it also isn’t. Love doesn’t need eros. But it sure enjoys it in its proper context.
When you cross the chasm of singleness into marriage, you are going to look back (I promise) and realize that you really overemphasized areas of your relationship disproportionally to the reality at hand.
So, that was all a foundation for the question you had:
“WHY are we meant to abstain from sex before marriage? I know that God says so and I know it's the Truth, but God always has a reason for the laws He's placed and I feel like if single people got more of a firm grasp on the reason they're abstaining, they would have something to hold onto while they're struggling.”
Would it help if I said, “Because God said so!”
Shouldn’t that be enough?
Hmm… God does have his reasons. Like all the laws in the Old Testament, he gives commands and doesn’t explain them. It is many years later we can see that commands really were for their good. The commands were for their hygiene, their health and their safety. God doesn’t always explain his rules but we know that His will is perfect, pleasing and good.
But, we have seen enough over the years to maybe take some stabs at why he may have commanded this command.
Maybe because “eros” love tends to be the bully in the neighborhood; it tends to dominate, extenuate, exaggerate and eliminate any other type of love from growing, the love that is most important for a marriage relationship. Eros seems to overwhelm the friendship love, the love that is the foundation of a marriage and the type of love that keeps growing over the years. Eros eliminates Agape love because it sex before marriage is by nature, selfish. By abstaining, you are basically committing to your partner that you want love of Agape and Phileo to grow unhindered.
We know that sex outside of marriage brings wrath on both you and your partner. If you really loved them, you wouldn’t curse them with this. Because we know that sex before marriage is wrong, when we engage in sexual activities, it the most selfish thing you can do. It is the opposite of love. And therefore, you are not only bullying phileo and agape love, you are making it impossible for them to flourish.
Abstinence builds trust and respect. If you can resist temptation and hold off what you would like to do for the better of the relationship and for the fear of God, couples can trust that they will sacrifice in marriage. I am continually surprised how many couples struggle for years from the scars from sexual involvement while dating. There is shame. There is a lack of respect. Often there is resentment from one to the other. It can and will be overcome, but it takes work, forgiveness and God’s grace. But when you do hold off, when you respect each other and Fear God, there is a special trust built which tends to give hope for the future, that if they can resist with me they can have self-control in our marriage with other women/men.
By avoiding any kind of sex, you will learn to delight in simple things. You will find new ways to express love. You will be more sensitive to ways to express your love. You will not just default to sex to express love. Your relationship will deepen as a result and you will both deepen and broaden in your capacity to love.
You won’t be paralyzed by the guilt that comes when we go too far. We have no idea how guilt burdens us. Think about it like this: Not having sex when you want to is hard. Engaging in sexual activity is hard. They are both hard. Choose the good hard, the better hard and you will enjoy the blessing of obedience.
When you allow the other kind of love to grow, you will really get to know the person. And, you may be able to really be more objective. You may find out that you really don’t like that person. You can leave that relationship without stealing anything from anyone. Our goal should be to treat our relationships in such a way that the future husbands and wives of the person we were dating would come to us and say THANK YOU for loving my spouse so well. They are a better man or woman because of you. Wouldn’t that be amazing to hear?
I am not saying this is easy and I am not saying that this is the road I walked per se. We did spend 7 months "dating" from the distance which was actually built an amazing love foundation for us. But, I, we, wish we would have known this long before that and its what we want for our daughters. The road is narrow that leads to life. I make no apologies for being different, narrow, radical or biblical.
So, what is the perfect way to move from singleness to marriage?
Well, my first thought would be:
Are you ready to get married? Is your life in a place where you could get married tomorrow? If you are not, it will be so easy to transgress. What’s the point of dating then? Will dating really help your phileo friendship or your agape unconditional love. Let that grow in its protected place. So, in that sense, you allow friendship to develop until you are ready and then you can enter into a pre-marriage relationship… But, until then, live, be single, enjoy life, do things you wouldn’t normally do and let God change you to make you ready. (If you are financially ready, ask a mentor if you are spiritually ready…)
Second, are you and your mate to be committed to hearing those words, “You may kiss your bride?” If not those words, what words, what standards, what will you do to keep yourself pure before your day? How will you keep Eros at bay so Phileo and Agape will grow.
Third, don’t be legalistic. Something like this could easily be turned to pride. Be humble and enjoy an awesome friendship that leads to an awesome marriage.
So, there is a lot there… I am sure there are many who are reading this who are at such an opposite place from this… Please, know you can be forgiven, and you can start over. You can be pure. You can be married with no regrets… But, you have to start and make some hard decisions. I had a question just like this in response to my first email… How do restart when we have gone too far? What now? I would like to address this soon.
Well, I should have guessed that starting with a topic like this would generate so many questions… I hate to leave it now that we are really getting to the heart of some of the difficult questions and I have at least one more week in this topic… (unless you send some more)
So the question of the week comes in response to what to do if you have gone too far:
How do I change my lifestyle and my mentality when it comes to our relationship? Because I have viewed it as something just between my boyfriend/girlfriend and because I do plan to marry this man/woman, how do I avoid the temptation when we have given in so often already??? (Or how do I unfar when we have gone too far?)
Great question. Pertinent. Honest. Crucial.
This question fits for both a girl or a guy, so I thought I would make it gender neutral. Though, I’ll be honest, I have gotten two such questions about this and both them were from girls. Fellas, where are you? Are you leading this relationship? Are you the one who is showing self-control? Will you be a man and lead and guide the relationship in this area? A women needs love. A guy needs respect. Will she respect you after you are married for how you treated her and your relationship before you are married?
So, how do you unfar when you have gone too far? This question is pertinent whether you have had sex or you have gone too far before sex. Once you have skied down the hill, so to speak, it is very difficult, uncomfortable and at times painful to go back up and start over. Once you have tasted the “promised land” everything in you will want to go back.
Song of Solomon 8:6-7 says “Set me as a seal upon your heart, as a seal upon your arm, for love is strong as death, jealousy is fierce as the grave. Its flashes are flashes of fire, the very flame of the Lord. Many waters cannot quench love, neither can floods drown it. If a man offered for love all the wealth of his house, he would be utterly despised.”
Love is as strong as death. This Hebrew word for love Ahbah means a powerful, intimate love between a man and a woman. It was the love Jacob had for Rachel when he worked for seven years, and as the Gen 29:20 says, “It seemed like but a few days. “ (Bring it… that is an amazing statement) It is the same love found earlier in this book when someone says they are “sick with love,” meaning they have to have to fulfill the love, they have to satisfy it and they are sick until they do. And it is the same love as I wrote before, “Do not awaken love before its time.” This verse is the result when we trespass areas we ought not be messing in or around. When we go there, love becomes strong as death, fierce, unquenchable, and worth more than anything.
Now, love in its context and with all the components (phileo, agape and eros) is a beautiful, powerful, amazing thing. But, taken outside of that context, where eros begins to bully, watch out. I really think phileo is the foundation block. Agape deepens. And then at the right time, eros comes and fully completes and satisfies and beautifies everything a marriage should be.
So what to do if you have already gone there as the questioner asks, realizes it is too far and wants to go back. What advice do I have?
Well, the first step is to be honest. Do you really value obedience to God before the relationship you are in? You can’t move forward unless both you and your partner truly believe this. If it meant breaking up, would you? You would do anything you could to get right with God. Luke 3:8 says Bear fruits in keeping with repentance, which means, show you are truly repentant, don’t just say it. Now it doesn’t mean you have to do things to be forgiven. It means you would do things because you are forgiven. It is heart issue. Who holds your heart?
The second step is to realize that what you are doing must stop. (I know, easier said than done. Just hear me out). I remember in college, a couple of non-Christian friends were dating. They had sex and did what everyone else does. Then they became Christians. Wow. Talk about some difficult changes that needed to be made. But, they did. It wasn’t easy, but it was necessary. How did they do it? I wish I had asked them. But, let me throw out a couple suggestions:
1. Get married. If it is that important to you, you don’t see any other way out, you are confident they are the one, get married. It may not be pretty. It may not be the most convenient timing. It may not be the wedding you have always dreamed of, but compared to breaking God’s laws and incurring wrath and guilt and consequence, sounds like a much better option to me.
2. Tell someone. Your parents, elders or pastors or mentor or someone older you both can trust. Telling a friend doesn’t help here, because friends most often just tell you what you want to hear. You need to bring an adult or someone who can speak truth and hold both of you accountable. If you are in ministry, it may be your youth pastor supervisor. (This is a different point, but if you are in sin in this area, you shouldn’t be in ministry. How can you speak about purity when you yourself aren’t being pure? It doesn’t mean you have to be perfect or you will never have a chance to do ministry again, but it may require a time for you to break until you have gotten this area of your life under control. Now, some of you are going to think of the lust or sexual struggles you are going through and think that you should be disqualified from ministry. If you have questions, email me… I’ll help you think through that. But don’t let Satan discourage you out of ministry.) Regardless, you must tell someone. It will be the most difficult thing you will have to do, but if you truly desire to become pure and stay pure, this is must.
3. Prepare for it to be hard. Hard is a bit of a shallow word. Really hard still lacks. It will be hell. It really will. Because you have disobeyed God whether in ignorance or in weakness, you must pay the consequence. You are forgiven. But, there are still scars and memories and temptations. You must go into it thinking that good intentions are not enough. Being sorry, really wanting to be obedient and trying really hard will not suffice. You must be relentless in how you guard your time, ruthless in how you structure your schedule and consistent in your time in the Word. Purity has to be the most important thing to you both. It dictates when you will spend time alone (i.e. not on a bed in the dark by yourself). It will be inconvenient (i.e. you can’t just stay at her house until midnight like you used to). It will be frustrating as your body will scream out against this withdrawal and give you every reason why sex is o.k. You must win! It is the most important thing you can do to benefit your relationship. Don’t be in a house alone ever. That will help. Don’t watch movies or TV with sexual situations. Don’t go to the same places you normally do. If you are living together, move out not matter what the cost or inconvenience. Don’t excuse sin, ever. It will be the hardest thing you will ever do, but it is the most important thing you can do, for the sake of your marriage, trust, respect and ultimate obedience. I am not pulling any punches because I don’t feel like I have to hold your hand. You don’t have to do this. It is your choice. But, if you want to be pure, this is how. You must structure your entire life around the goal of being pure and it is going to hurt a bit. (One person told me they went off of birth control as a means to help prevent having sex. They DO NOT want to get pregnant, so this helps) And what about the new line? What do I pull back too? I don’t know what your boundary is, but at the minimum, I don’t think you shouldn’t kiss for a long time. Let hugging, holding hands and conversation be the boundary for expressing love.
4. Realize the balance here. Grace gives forgiveness and strength to do what you want to do. But we also must discipline ourselves. That hard work is just that, hard. Structuring yourself might sound a bit like legalism, but it only comes as you accept the forgiveness of God and the strength he provides to live purely before Him. Purity apart from Him is impossible. You can’t earn forgiveness but you can live in purity as one who is forgiven. And when you mess up, ask forgiveness, start over and accept the wonderful joy of forgiveness that God offers.
5. Let the Word be in you, through you, and in every part of you. Find some verses about this area and memorize/meditate/think about as a way to one prevent and two to give you hope that you are doing the right thing whether your body thinks you are or not…
6. Blessing comes in obedience. You want blessing. Be obedient.
I recieved four questions that seemed to cover the same theme. It was kind of summed up like this:
“I am twenty-something.. I haven’t dated/am not dating/want to date and want to know how to get married right…”
These questions came from people that are not currently dating but love the idea of getting married someday and want to know, what do I do in the mean time while I am not dating?!?!?
How do I meet the person? When will I know that she is the right one? How do I not settle and yet still have grace because there are no perfect persons?
Well, I can’t believe how long this has taken me to write this question. I don’t think it will always take this long, but I think this topic is such a huge one to try and tackle. There is so much to say and there are so many angles in which I could say it. And whatever I think about just continues to add more to what I feel I need to say.
For example, I could speak of this idea of faith and how to truly trust and wait on God to bring the one into your life.
I could speak of culture and how they have skewed the pathway to marriage in such a way that half of every marriage ends in divorce. So something needs to be changed so that we don’t become another statistic.
I could speak of how to look and become the right person and how you know when you know.
So, I think I will use these three as my outline and then proceed from there:
1. Faith
There are some people who think that God knows the one you will marry, and that God has a specific will for the specific one whom you should marry. And then, there are some who think that there are many people to choose from and then once you are married that is God’s will for you.
I think I am a bit in the middle. And this is why.
Most of you know my story. I was like single for a billion years it felt like. All my friends were married and I was like the third wheel on a bike made for two.
But, I really wanted to be married. I want to be loved. And being single a bit longer and later than most, I got a lot of people trying to set me up, people that would question my desire to wait on God and got a lot of advice about what is the right way to get married.
I was talking to a friend one day long ago during my single days about relationships and dating and marriage and he said something that I never forgot. He said, “I just don’t think that if I am pursuing God with all my heart that I will miss the boat in this dating arena.” I mean, can you imagine God saying, “You stupid, you were so busy loving me and focusing on me and serving me you totally missed the one I had for you.”
That made a lot of sense, but it wasn’t easy.
I really felt like if I gave God my dating life, and focused on serving Him, that He would lead me to my wife in the proper time, even if that proper time was not within my timing. And man, I tell you, when the prospects were the most bleak ( I was working graveyard in Los Angeles working 60 hours a week, God in his timing brought me to a wedding where I met Stephanie and less than a year later I was married.) But what was crazier was all that God was doing in me to prepare me for marriage. I think that if I would have met her a year earlier, even six months earlier, it wouldn’t have worked. I was living with a roommate at the time and God even used that to prepare me for understanding Stephanie. It was like even up to that day, even into the dating relationship, God was working on me. And I think we need to realize that God is at work in you to prepare you to complete someone else. And His timing is perfect and His plan is perfect.
So, did he pick out Stephanie just for me? Is there just one person for me? You know, I tend to believe that we have free will to marry who we want, but could there be that God has a perfect, a good and OK will? I don’t know. All I do know is that waiting on God, praying about it, seeking Him, totally putting your faith in Him will be the hardest thing you can do, but also the best thing you can do. And I don’t think He will let you down. He knows you best. He knows how to complete you. He has a plan for your life, knowing your future and the works for you to do.
It seems we trust God for every other area of God’s will for our life except this one. One way to look at it is to resolve to not date and not seek to be married and in a sense, force God to bring the right one into your life… You work on being content and make Him work. The reason I say this is because too many of us are spending our lives wishing we were married instead of living your single years now for the glory of God. You have so much freedom to do ministry and to love people and to prepare yourself so that you have something to offer your spouse to be.
I think of the se verses:
1 Cor. 7:27 (NIV)
Are you unmarried? Do not look for a wife.
1 Cor. 7:33-34 (NIV)
But a married man is concerned about the affairs of this world--how he can please his wife-- [34] and his interests are divided. An unmarried woman or virgin is concerned about the Lord's affairs: Her aim is to be devoted to the Lord in both body and spirit. But a married woman is concerned about the affairs of this world--how she can please her husband.
Marriage is amazing. But, in the right timing. But it is the hardest, most difficult, crazy awesome thing you will ever do in your life. And you don’t want to go into it on a whim. I guess, for this first point, before you move on, you have to answer the question, “Do I really trust God’s timing and God’s plan to bring someone into my life that I can love for the rest of my life? Will I wait as long as I need to to become person I want my spouse to marry?”
I think you need to settle that first, because until you do, you will always be looking in your own strength and wisdom. Man looks at the outside but God knows the heart, he knows your future and he knows who you need to help you be the person that God wants you to be. Again, God knows your needs. God knows her needs. God knows the bigger picture of what He is trying to accomplish through you. Trust Him.
So, in essence, marriage is faith lived out. Do you really trust that if you totally focus on living for God that He will bring you the right person? How much do you believe that? That is the answer to these questions. It is a faith decision.
So, there are three things to think about here:
1. Who are you becoming? Are you becoming the person that somebody would want to marry?
2. What are you doing with your single years that shows that you are preparing your life for that person?
3. Why do you want to get married? Our motivation reveals our passions.
Second, culture.
If half of every marriage ends in divorce, I realize that the odds are against me. What am I going to do in my marriage to make sure that I am not one of the statistics? Well, I think if we ask that question, we are going to be one of the ones that end in divorce. The better question is, “What am I going to do today (before I am married) that will ensure that I don’t get divorced tomorrow (after I am married)?” I believe divorces are settled long before someone even gets married and maybe even meets the person you will marry. I think that who you are becoming during your single years will go a long way into your marriage. How? What kind of habits are you building? What are you doing? Why do you do what you do?
The reason I think that culture is key is because if we do what everyone else is doing, we are going to become one of the statistics. We need to look outside of the culture to help us which is why I have been trying to propose a different way to marriage. Dating doesn’t work. Be courageous and bold enough to then wait on God to become a person that is marriage worthy, and then use your single years to change the world. If you want a successful marriage, do things before you get married, different.
The biggest issue is that we get too involved too soon, that we awaken eros love long before we realize if we even like the person. If you want the hard answer, I would say this: Commit to friendship (phileo) for a long time before you even consider ( agape). Spend time learning unconditional love (agape) before you ever go to sex and physical intimacy (eros.) Build a foundation of friendship that enables perspective and objectivity and God’s will to be easily surfaced. Don’t awaken love before its time so you can know if this is a person who can love you for all time.
Our dating added nothing to our marriage. My dating time sucked. Not because of Stephanie, but I was a dork. I was stupid. It was long distance. She broke up with me during dating because I was such an idiot. And then somehow, God changed it all and she agreed to pursue a relationship with me. And the rest was history. Dating is really not necessary to know a marriage will work. We spend our first 7 months long distance and then the next four I lived in Bellevue and she in Puyallup. We were almost strangers when we got married. It was almost more of an arranged marriage. I knew of her. She knew of me. It was perfect. It wasn’t until after we got married that I began to see all the things I wanted in a wife that I didn’t really know were important to me and it was her. I was and continue to be more and more grateful for the woman that she is. I love her. She has me at “hello!” It goes back to the first point. I prayed a lot about it. I think you know that I used to have a honeymoon jar. Whenever I had extra change, I would put it in and pray for my wife. I did this for six long years. $432 dollars worth of prayer, baby! But, I really believe God honored those prayers.
So, long dating relationship are cultural. Not bad, but also can involve a lot of temptations. Be friends. Stay pure. Build a marriage as friends and you will be friends long after your wedding day.
One person emailed me regarding all this and said some advice. They said, “Plan your marriage, not your wedding. We used all our dating to work on marriage and a few days to work on the wedding.” They are glad they did.
So what not to do culturally? Living together is cultural and wrong. Have sex before you are married is cultural and wrong. Choosing a mate without advice and buy in from parents and friends is cultural and wrong. Again, waiting on God is not cultural and yet, I think may have better odds in the long run. Trusting, praying and a willingness to wait on God, be friends, be objective while you are friends and getting advice are all ways to get married right. Last thing, your mate will change over her life. God knows the changes that will happen. I am not the person I was and my wife is not. We were laughing the other day. Who would have thought we would be living in Africa, with a boatload of girls, helping orphanages and teaching pastors? We wouldn’t be here without God changing and molding us together… There is too much at stake not to wait on God. Follow God. Not culture.
3. What to look for in a mate?
So, then, how can I know if this prospective person is marriage material, if they are ready and I am ready and if it is God’s will? If I could give you three things to look for in a single person that could help you determine if they are marriage material, this is what I would say:
1. Are they selfish? Is there time their own? Do they give and serve and use their time for others or is it all about their own plans, future and hopes? Are they in ministry? Do they give generously of their money? Do they use their gifts to serve others? If there is one thing a person will learn when they get married is that they are SELFISH no matter how unselfishly they live now. But, if they are even in the ball park right now, run away.
2. Are they prideful? Pride kills a marriage. A prideful person won’t say sorry. A prideful person won’t care about you or your issues. A prideful person won’t let you shape and mold them to be the person that the need to become. I have said it before and I will say it again, “My wife makes me the man I have always wanted to be.” But, a prideful person won’t let anyone change them. So, do you see evidences of pride that make it difficult for you to speak truth, share your feelings, or be yourself? But, if they are not even in the ball park of cultivating humility, run far away.
3. Are they biblically literate? Do they know the word? Are they living the Word? Not just saying they are Christians is o.k. but do you see the Word informing, convicting, leading, guiding, delighting them? If they don’t know a verse in the bible or refer that verse somewhere in there, run, far, far away.
If you are a lady, you must ask these questions of a prospective mate before you are in head over heels in love:
1. Are they addicted to porn? Do they struggle with porn? Do they struggle with masturbation? Do they struggle with lust? Watch their eyes when you are with them. Watch what happens when they are watching and a sex scene comes on. Do they show discretion about what they watch? Do they care what you wear? This may seems a bit harsh and vulgar, but if this has not been dealt with before they get married, it will not stop after you get married. It may get worse in marriage because sex in marriage is all about giving and serving. It takes unconditional love to make love. They will never learn this if they haven’t dealt with this before marriage because porn and lust is all about satisfying themselves. Most guys struggle in this area. If they have never seen it as wrong, never dealt with it, prevented it, prayed about it or sought accountability in this area, if they have never put safeguards up, then that should be a huge red flag. But, if they do struggle at times, if they have and are dealing with it, that is a different story. But, when you have entered the agape stage, bring this up… Let it be a place of light in your relationship, not something he has to hide in the dark. (And if there are issues, does he want to quit? Will he be willing to see a pastor? You can’t be the one to fix him… Also, it isn’t always a guy problem… Just not as common.)
2. Do they love money more than God? If they love money more than God than they will love money more than you. Period.
3. Do they have a track record for working hard, staying committed to jobs for a long time, managing their money well and having a plan and seeing it through? If they don’t, they won’t after you are married. You don’t want to marry money lovers, but you also don’t want to marry the other extreme as well. They need to know this verse: 1 Tim. 5:8 which says, If anyone does not provide for his relatives, and especially for his immediate family, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.
4. Do they spend all their time playing video games? Do they have an abnormal love for sports? Do they have addictions that will keep them from being addicted to you?
5. Do they lead well in your relationship? Are they the spiritual head? If they are not ready, then you shouldn’t be either.
Fellas, what should you look for?
1. Are they beautiful…on the inside? Do they care more about beauty on the inside then the outside? What do they spend more time talking about, thinking about, worrying about and working on? Inside beauty or outside beauty? If you have one, you will have both. But if it is the other, you will have neither.
2. Do they love gossip? Do they have to be in the know? Gossips are sinners and destroy relationships and sometimes even yours. Do they complain? Complainers are hard to live with…
3. Are they complete without you? Do they need to be married to be complete? Do they have a life outside you? But also, are they willing to leave that life to be married? There is a fine balance there that you have to gauge?
4. Is there a depth and character there? Are they gentle and kind?
5. Do they believe that God is real in and despite difficult circumstances?
If you want to know more, read Proverbs, there is some great wisdom there that I think cover all these areas…
So, now, back to the question… How do I get married right?
• Trust God and pray lots about it. Be willing to wait as long as it takes for the wisdom to marry God’s delightful choice for you and for Him.
• Consider culture and be courageous enough to do things differently.
• Be pure so you can be objective. Be objective and wait patiently. Prepare the foundation for your marriage well and you will enjoy a long, bounty harvest.
(Do you see where I am going here? You pray for God’s leading and you use your head and circumstances to lead you to the husband and wife you’ve always wanted…)
Well, that is about it for now… I know that probably raised a bunch more questions and that is o.k. This thing is evolving so keep ‘em coming. Every scenario is different, and many of you will date for many years. I understand that. I am just trying to look at a different side of things…
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